How to Write a Bad Query: Part Two

Welcome to the second installment of How to Write a Bad Query. At this point in time, I have a total of three posts in this series. (Part three will go live in early February.) However, I plan to keep this as an ongoing series, adding new parts when I have more wisdom to share.

If you missed part one, you can take a moment and go read it HERE before we get started.


The Arrogant Query

Authors have to have two things (1) confidence and unfaltering belief in the book they've written, and (2) the ability to take rejection. However, it's important to have these two things in moderation. When you have item #1 in excess, it leads to queries like this:

Dear Editor,
     Have I got a book for you. GLUCOSE INTOLERANT VAMPIRES & THE HUMAN WOMEN THEY LOVE is going to be bigger than Twilight, The Hunger Games, and The Vampire Diaries combined. I'm so excited for this book and cannot wait for you to share in my joy.
     And it's your lucky day, too! I've queried forty-seven agents and publishers alike. Once the bidding war is over, I will choose the best possible person to represent my book. Please note that I have already picked the cast for the movie adaptation.
Sincerely,
Amy Author

Okay, so this might be a bit of an exaggeration, but I have seen queries where an author will talk about selling all their subsidiary rights when they haven't even sold the actual book yet. We get that you're excited about your book and all the possibilities, but the ratio of books in publication compared to books in publication that are turned into movies is skewed very heavily against you. I'm not saying it won't happen, but be realistic when you query. Sell the book first. Everything else will come later.



The No Query at all Query

I know, it's hard to believe, but it's true. There have been queries just like this one:

Dear Editor,
     My book is attached for your review. Thank you. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Amy Author

Anyone want to take a guess as to what's wrong with this one? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Right. So, moving on...



The Telling Query

Authors are constantly being told to show don't tell. Well, the same advice applies to your query.

Dear Editor,
     Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live in a world where there was no milk? That is the life that sixteen year old Bertha must endure. BERTHA WANTS MILK is the story of a young girl who is tasked with the daunting chore of locating a cow and repopulating her town with milk. She will face heartache, setbacks, and hopelessness as she is faced with one obstacle after another. Complete at 82,000 words, this is a young adult fantasy about learning how to grow up and persevere.
     Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Amy Author

*Yawn* Oh, sorry, did I doze off? The only thing you should be telling us in your query is the title, word count, genre, and all that other identifying information we discussed during part one. As an editor, this type of query makes me think only one thing: the book will be as boring and dry as this query. Honestly, ask yourself, would you want to read 82,000 words that were written exactly like this letter? Probably not.

How to Write a Bad Query: Part One

As an editor, I read a lot of queries. Some of them are knock your socks off fantastic and others leave me wondering, what were they thinking? So, I've decided to share my knowledge with you in a new blog post series entitled: How to write a bad query.

Yes, you read that correctly ;-)

Despite the hundreds and thousands of websites that "teach" you how to write a stellar query, there's no magic formula for writing a query letter, and the argument can be made that there really is no wrong way to write one....but let's face it, there is. You can go anywhere and learn how to do it right. Well, no worries! I'm going to teach you how to do it the wrong way. Why?  Because I hope that you won't make any of these mistakes.

(**Please note that although the situations are real, the examples are completely fictional and are a figment of my own imagination**)


The Fantastic Pitch & Nothing Else Query

Anyone who has ever researched or actually written a query letter knows that the book pitch is hands-down the most important part of the entire letter. If you can't pique an agent or editors interest then you have no hopes of getting them to read your book. However, giving said agent or editor some identifying information is equally important. Why? Because we like to know what genre the book is, how long it is, who you are, what credentials you have, how to contact you, etc.

Dear Editor,

     Tallulah would do anything to land her dream internship -- including playing babysitter to the boss's obnoxious tween son, Furbrow. But when Furbrow sneaks out of the house to go visit a girl who convinces him to sneak into a movie, Tallulah must figure out a way to get Furbrow home and tucked safely into bed before his parents return. That's a lot easier said than done though -- especially when Tallulah is faced with an impossible decision: tell the truth about Furbrow and possibly lose her internship or keep it a secret even though she knows that's not the right thing to do. Is she willing to risk her personal morals for a shot at a life-changing opportunity?
      Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Amy Author

As you can see, there is no information in this type of query. We have no idea what genre this book falls into -- YA? NA? MG? -- it's anyone's guess. Is it 50,000 words or 150,000 words? Has Amy Author ever been published before? If so, where? What type of book?

Please, please, I beg you, take the extra paragraph and give us some information! It really will help you in the end, I promise.


The TMI Query

On the flip side, I have read queries that told me the author's entire life story and absolutely nothing about the book. Granted, I like to get to know the authors I will be working with. It's good business to build rapport and develop a relationship. Your query letter is not the place to do that!

Dear Editor,
     When I lost my husband to cancer last year, I knew I had to find something to help me cope. I turned to the written word and have healed through my writing. If it weren't for the journey I took with the characters in this book, I would've been reunited with my husband in Heaven much sooner than I should've been.
     Upon deciding to write this book, I quit my job as a teacher and focused on this new, exciting career path. Prior to teaching, I was a marketing executive and before that a sales clerk at a major department store. As you can see, I bring a variety of life experience to the table and will use my knowledge to help sell my book.
     My children are grown and out of the house. Having not blessed me with grandchildren, I am fully devoted to working on this book and the sixteen other books I have planned and outlined. I at your complete disposal.
     Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Amy Author

Wow. Okay, well, I'm sorry for your loss and for your lack of grandchildren, but could you maybe tell me something about your book? The title, maybe? Please, give me something, anything!


The "I Can't Follow Rules" Query

Every single agent and publisher will outline their submission guidelines on their website or blog. Most of them are easy to find and even easier to follow. Before you send a query letter to anyone, be sure to find these guidelines and follow them!

Dear Editor,
     Brazen Blueblood is the last of her kind, and she's fighting to stay alive. The world wants her dead because she saw something she wasn't supposed to see. With the help of a kind, homeless stranger, a stray dog, and her trusty blue metal sword, Brazen will face her demons and hopefully she'll come out alive.
     BRAZEN BLEEDS is a young adult fantasy complete at 90,000 words.
     I currently haven't had anything published, but I'm a contributor to a successful young adult blog. I'm active on social media and have built a strong following on Twitter.
     Your guidelines ask for the first three chapters pasted into the email. I've taken the liberty of attaching my full manuscript because there is no way you can get a feel for my characters in three short chapters.
     Thank you for you consideration.
Sincerely,
Amy Author

Uh....can you say reject? Seriously folks, those guidelines are there for a reason. If you don't follow them, you're asking begging for a rejection. This type of query tells me two very important things: (1) you can't follow simple rules, and (2) you're going to do whatever you want and will probably be very difficult to work with. No thank you. Next!